NOTE: This podcast was transcribed by an AI tool. Please forgive any typos or errors. Tina Hamilton === [00:00:00] Cara: Hello, and welcome to this episode of flo I was so delighted when I saw this email from Tina, she actually heard me when I was on Gabby Bernstein's podcast. And so that just feels like one of those things that was divine timing. [00:00:15] Cara: I've actually been working through a lot of blocks with my inner child. And so when she reached out, I knew it was perfect. Tina is an inner child healing coach and founder of the healing parent. Where she works with women who are exhausted, burnt out and frustrated in parenting or life in general. [00:00:33] Cara: She helps women uncover their deepest wounds and childhood messages that keep them living life in the margins and provide strategies and resources. They need to break generational cycles and live life in alignment with the vision they hold for themselves. This was an amazing interview and I can't wait to get started. I'll see you on the other side. [00:00:56] Welcome to floductivity. The podcast that guides you [00:01:00] on a transformative journey towards spiritual wisdom, self development and healing practices. All aimed at elevating your intuition and aligning you with your soul's purpose. I'm your host, Cara Dempsey. And I'm thrilled to have you joining me today as we learn together. [00:01:18] Cara: hi Tina. Welcome to the show. [00:01:19] Tina: Hi, Kara. Thanks for having me. [00:01:21] Cara: course. [00:01:22] Morning rituals as a mom --- [00:01:22] Cara: So my first question I always love to ask my guests is, what are your favorite self-care practices? [00:01:28] Tina: Oh, that's a good question. I have so many, so it, it depends on, on the day. my go-to lately has been lighting some sage, listening to a chakra clearing meditation and journaling. That's usually my morning routine right now. [00:01:43] Cara: I love that. And I think it's important that people have some sort of morning routine. You gotta start the day out, right. especially with kids, you know, like kids take our energy and so if we can kind of get that energy cleared and get in the right mind space, I [00:02:00] truly believe that when we pour into our cup, it overflows into the those around us. [00:02:05] Tina: absolutely. I agree. [00:02:07] Cara: So how long do you usually try and take in the mornings for yourself? [00:02:11] Tina: So it really depends on my son. I try to at least get 15 minutes. some days I am really lucky and I get about an hour. but I, I try to carve out about 15 minutes where I can just kind of ground myself and prepare myself for the day. [00:02:26] Cara: I tend to have multiple different things, like you were saying, it always changes and it's like, okay, how many minutes do I have this morning? Is it five, is it 15 and is it an hour? And so knowing that I can do these things and create my own thing that will support me in through the day. [00:02:43] Cara: it's having those, what I like to call them is toolkits. It's taking those things that really nourish you, get you grounded and get in my body cuz I tend to get in my head too much. And so while I love meditation, meditation is, a huge tool in my toolkit. If I'm not [00:03:00] grounded in my body, I tend to just float on up. [00:03:04] Cara: Yeah, and it's just like, no, bring it back down. So I usually add a little bit of breath work. I have this little routine that I do in the mornings that is a mix of yoga moves and affirmations, and I actually let that fall off a little bit, and today I was like, yeah, we're doing it. We need to get back. and do that. [00:03:22] Cara: So I love that. Now, I know we're gonna dive all in about the inner child and generational trauma, but [00:03:30] Concept of the inner child --- [00:03:30] Cara: I would love for you to just explain the concept of the inner child. [00:03:34] Tina: Sure. so the inner child is a part of us. there was somebody who, said, and I unfortunately can't remember her name right now, but that you are all of the parts of yourself, all of the ages that you've ever been, that is stored within you. And so the inner child is the part of you that formed between birth and about seven or eight years old. [00:03:55] Tina: when you are a child, you are completely reliant upon your [00:04:00] caregiver and your primary goal as a child is to develop and maintain a connection with that caregiver, because without that connection, you can't survive. And as you are going through your life at, that age, you are picking up all of the feedback from your caregiver of what is appropriate and what's not appropriate. [00:04:21] Tina: What is threatening that connection with your caregiver, and what. Brings your caregiver closer to you. And so through that feedback from your caregivers, you learn what is expected of you, what's appropriate, what emotions are acceptable and what's not acceptable. And any emotion that you subconsciously realized was unacceptable or that you didn't have, the care, your caregiver wasn't able to help you process the emotion in a healthy way. [00:04:49] Tina: It kind of got shoved down in your body and it's stored in the inner child. And so now as an adult, any situation that is similar or familiar to that inner [00:05:00] child, you're going to react from that place of the inner child, from what you learned as a child as opposed to consciously reacting as an adult. [00:05:09] Cara: Yeah. how you explain that makes it so clear about, just some personal things that I've gone through and, they talk about trauma, big T, little t and just those different things that kind of happen. And you know, something happen to me as a child that I always knew happened, and so I kept thinking like, is there something that I didn't know that happened that I was like pushing deep down and I ended up doing? [00:05:32] Cara: A theta healing session with a friend of mine. And that thing that I knew that happened came up, but I didn't realize that I never processed the emotions from it. It wasn't that I couldn't remember what happened. It was like, oh, this is no big deal. this is just kind of a way that I think a lot of families do. [00:05:50] Cara: A lot of times when you, something happens, you pass it off with humor. And so anytime I would think about this certain, you know, ultimately I [00:06:00] was accidentally dropped off at my house and my parents weren't there. I was about four years old it was scary. You know, I didn't know what to do and I hid and, it was just the fact of like, it was so scary, but, I think a lot of times people don't know how to handle their emotions, so their first reaction is to be like, oh, that's such a funny time. [00:06:19] Cara: that session was like two hours long. I like bawled my eyes out the whole time. It was like my inner child was like, oh, you finally see me. I've been hiding in that closet cuz I ultimately hid. That's what I did, in that time. And so that processing the emotions and learning how to do that. [00:06:35] Cara: And that seems a little foreign for me for sure. And I've been working on that. And I think a lot of times you don't realize how much it affects you until you have kids of your own. [00:06:45] Tina: Oh, [00:06:46] Cara: then, when your kids get to the ages where you had a hard time, It really sparks something inside of you where you're like, oh my gosh, I don't know how to deal with that. [00:06:56] Cara: And so I would love to know your, take on that, that age connection [00:07:00] of your inner child and then your children's inner child. [00:07:02] Tina: Yeah, I had a, therapist say that to me when I first started therapy. She, my therapist had said, as your child goes through the stages where you had some of your major and even the, the minor, the microtraumas happen, it's going to be very difficult. There's going to be, you're going to find that you're more emotionally reactive, that you have less of a handle, that you don't feel as grounded or certain in your parenting. [00:07:31] Tina: And those are the times where you really have to turn inward to find out like, what is going on here. at the time when she said that, I was like, no, I know what happened and I. And that, that's the other part about the inner child, is that you don't necessarily have to remember exactly what happened as a child because the body does have a, tendency to, if it was too overwhelming, too much for your system, it will block out the, the memory of the words. [00:07:57] Tina: You won't be able to recall the words [00:08:00] associated with it, but your body will remember the feeling that's associated with it. when my daughter was six years old, she was dancing in the living room, like she's just having a great time. And I was watching her dance and all of a sudden I started bawling my eyes out and I couldn't understand what was happening. [00:08:19] Tina: later on that day, I, I went and sat in meditation and I kind of grounded myself. And I realized that at six years old is when my parents got divorced. Now, that's not a major, major trauma, but it still, it was a big change in my life as a six year old. And that was also the moment that I became the caregiver to my younger brothers because my dad was gone and my mom needed to work multiple jobs to take care of us. [00:08:44] Tina: And so I became the go-to for my brothers and I'm watching my daughter go through six years old, and I'm wondering how was I taking care of two younger babies, a three-year-old and a one-year-old at that point, at six years old. And so [00:09:00] her, that year of her life was incredibly difficult for me because I had to not only process the pain that was inside from having been left alone and responsible for my brothers, but also watching her live this life, this childhood that I never got. [00:09:17] Tina: To experience, to be a kid, cuz that's, was the moment that I lost my childhood. [00:09:21] Cara: Wow, that's powerful. There's been some ways that people describe divorce and it's ultimately a death these two people have been together, and when you removed that as a child, especially because you've only known that to be the way you are, like, wait a second, here's a unit that's been together, whether it's healthy or not, and then you remove that. [00:09:42] Cara: And so it's just also processing that and then having that. Pressure to be the person, the caregiver for your siblings. That's a lot. That's a lot to deal with. And then, yeah, watching your daughter not have to do that, it's you're being tugged. You're like, oh, I wanna be so happy for her, because she doesn't have to live through [00:10:00] that. [00:10:00] Cara: But then you're like, what about me? What about my six year old? That's tough. [00:10:04] Tina: right. And also when something happens, so children developmentally they don't have the awareness to be able to separate themselves from situations around them. And so children will make everything that happens around them because of them. And so to my six year old, and for a lot of my life, I felt that my dad left because of something about me. [00:10:28] Tina: it wasn't because my, parents. Marriage fell apart. It wasn't because of what happened between the two of them. It was because I wasn't good enough. I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't helpful enough. Whatever it was, it was because I wasn't enough and my dad left. And that stuck with me. and I see that with my clients as well, is that you have this core memory of something that happened and you made it about yourself, not because you're egotistical. [00:10:53] Tina: I mean, as a child you are egotistical. That is developmentally appropriate. you think it's all about you and That is something [00:11:00] that we work through with my clients, in identifying that this thing happened, but now we have to put that responsibility down. It wasn't because of you. [00:11:09] Cara: Yeah, you already have the pressure of being the oldest that striving to be the best version that you can be to make things easier on your parents. And then you add that whole dynamic of divorce. So I could only imagine having to like, take away that idea of perfection, I see it in so many firstborns that strive for perfection. [00:11:30] Cara: And then you're getting the added pressure I could only imagine what that was like. that's tough. [00:11:35] Benefits of working with your inner child --- [00:11:35] Cara: what are some of the benefits when we start to work on our inner child? Because I've Dove into it for the last few years here or whatever, meditations and journaling You know? I see it because I am a better mom. But I would love to know, since you specifically work with women with this, like what have you seen when we start to work on our inner child, [00:11:57] Tina: So when we start working on our inner child [00:12:00] we are able to bring this greater awareness to our lives, so to our patterns, the, way that we react to other people where, aware of how we've built our life that is, completely a result of the messages and the beliefs that we hold about ourselves and our worthiness and what we feel we deserve. [00:12:24] Tina: We're also better able to manage our emotions. We're better able to handle our children's emotions because when you're not aware of your own emotions, you're not aware of how to process your emotions, you're going to have a very difficult time helping your children through their big emotions. [00:12:41] Tina: And if there is anything that you know about children, it is that they experience their emotions very loudly because it's new to them, they don't understand what's going on in their body. and our job as parents is to help them understand that. And if by doing the inner child work, you have a better handle on that, you're more [00:13:00] aware of what's coming up in your own body so that you can separate your experience from your child's experience and you can truly support them through what they're going through. [00:13:10] Tina: and ultimately you become a cycle breaker. You start. You e essentially say like, whatever happened in your childhood is not going to happen this way in my childhood because you're supporting your child differently. [00:13:21] Cara: Yeah, that makes sense. And I mean, I see so much of me and my son and my daughter, but I think the concept of being overwhelmed by emotions really got to me as a child. And I did not know how to deal with it. And it's something that human design has helped me a little bit in understanding why that's the case. [00:13:41] Cara: And then seeing my son's human design, it's like, oh, it makes sense. We have a lot of the same concepts, but you know, like, I feel like as a child, it was just like, stop being whatever you're doing. And K trying to come from a place of like, okay, what are you feeling? You have to use your words. [00:13:57] Cara: Tell me what you're feeling, let's process this. And then [00:14:00] I'm teaching him breath work and taking a moment before you get reactive. Because when someone's telling you not to be away and you're like, I'm overwhelmed, how am I not supposed to be this way? Telling me isn't gonna help me through it. So it's been the hardest but most fulfilling thing. [00:14:18] Cara: And it's a work in progress. I don't have it all the way f figured out, but it's knowing like, what are the tools I can give him so that he can support himself and not, you know, get to a point where it's just like, oh my gosh, I'm so, you know, overwhelmed with this. And then there was a few days ago where my daughter. [00:14:35] Cara: Just started out of nowhere, started to be really mean. And I was like, what is happening? She was just tired. And it was just me being like, Hey, I, we're all a little tired. Maybe we should go to bed early. And sh she was so relieved instead of me being like, why are you talking to me this way? [00:14:51] Cara: This is inappropriate. It was more of like, Hey, what do we need right now? And I think you pushing yourself to be awake is [00:15:00] not ideal. Let's go to bed early. And she was just like, yes. And I was like, oh, wow. It can be that easy. Instead of reacting to how they're acting, it's like, what? What are they needing? [00:15:10] Cara: Because they're trying to communicate with us. They just don't know how to speak it. And sometimes it's just really hard to be like, I'm tired as a kid, I'm hungry. The basic needs, it's really hard to be able to speak that what we need within us. [00:15:24] Tina: right. the big thing, and I, and I see this a lot when, when we talk about generational trauma, there's this concept of childhood emotional neglect. And I don't necessarily like the word neglect because it, it carries like a real heavy, dark connotation, but, You touched on it a little bit when our parents, when we experienced a big emotion, when they responded to us in don't cry. [00:15:45] Tina: it's okay. Like, and even now as an adult, I find myself saying to my child, it's okay and I have to take myself back and I say, this is not okay. But validating their feelings and their emotions will help them to recognize that this thing that's going on inside [00:16:00] my body is not bad. There is no bad emotion. [00:16:03] Tina: it's something that you've, you're feeling there's truth there. It is your truth. And having somebody to mirror that back to you and say what you are feeling is acceptable, is sometimes all that they need to be able to just kind of ease into it and release that emotion instead of, oh, this is not how I'm supposed to be feeling, so this must be bad. [00:16:23] Tina: Let me shove it down. And so this childhood emotional neglect, I think it's Dr. Janice or Janice Webb, who coined the term and she basically talks about how when our caregivers. Couldn't handle our emotions. And I, you know, some of the things that were said in, in my house as a child were, big girls don't cry. [00:16:43] Tina: Or if you want something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about. that's what it was like growing up in the seventies, eighties, and nineties. It's, it's, so, it's not that my parents were bad parents. that's what they knew how to do. And so now as an adult, I had to learn how to, number one, [00:17:00] feel all of my emotions, because an emotion would come up that I'd be unfamiliar with, and it would send signals to my body that like, no, no, no. [00:17:06] Tina: Shut it down. Shut it down. This is not okay. So number one, I had to learn how to feel it. I had to learn how, like what is this emotion, put a name to that emotion and then allow it to move through my body instead of trying to like hold so tightly to it and shove it down. and once you realize as a parent, when your child is experiencing those emotions that you have no idea how to do it. [00:17:27] Tina: You have no process in place that allows you to let your child feel that because it sends those alarm bells to your body that's like, shut it down, shut it down. This is not okay. [00:17:37] Cara: Yeah, for sure. I mean, I always say that like we do the best we can with the tools that we have. yeah, a lot of parents in that time period, it's just like that's what their parents did and that's what their parents did. And that's the whole like generational trauma of like, there was so much of like, well, you know, that that's just how it was when I grew up. [00:17:56] Cara: And it's like, okay, well I guess what, I have the beautiful [00:18:00] opportunity to change that. And we have the technology to have these tools and like all this stuff that, people didn't have at their fingertips. But it is this idea of, and I have a story and I've said it on the podcast before, but it was one of the most mind blowing things that I've ever done with my daughter. [00:18:17] Cara: She was supposed to,Read in front of hundreds of people at like four or five, I can't remember. She was right around that age in front of hundreds of people. And she was like, I'm scared if I mess up, I'm gonna mess up all the people behind me if I don't do it right. And I was like, I can feel that you feel a lot of pressure and I can see that you're scared and that's okay. [00:18:37] Cara: And she's like, really? And I was like, yeah, I think what would help you is maybe let's practice so you get more confidence. And if you still don't feel like you can do it, then you have permission for me to tell the teacher you don't wanna do it. So I think it was that idea of my initial reaction was like, you're gonna be fine. [00:18:55] Cara: And I had to walk it through and say like, okay, let's dissect this a little [00:19:00] bit. Let's not just push it to the side and say, we need to practice. You're gonna be fine. And it was one that gave her the confidence to say, oh yeah, I can practice and I have the option to say no. I can listen to my body and if my body says no, I don't wanna do this, I have the power to do that. [00:19:16] Cara: And within a week she was reciting this whole thing without looking at the paper, and she was so proud every day to show us. And so it was beautiful to see that unfold and was like, my initial reaction of what I wanted to do was not right in this moment. I had to take a step back and say, what would my inner child need? [00:19:33] Cara: Because it's normally like, yeah, like you said, you're fine. You're okay. You can do it. one of my wounds is speaking in public. And actually that's something that,has come up with someone that I've kind of been working with. And I passed out in front of a whole class trying to give a presentation, and my family's reaction They made me feel worse about it. And [00:20:00] so it made me feel really unsafe. even if I'm at a big table and I have to like introduce who I am, I would get like, The beautiful thing was I was on a retreat and I had this moment in meditation where I saw myself, my future self on stage, giving a speech in dedication to my younger self saying, look, we did it. [00:20:24] Cara: And I was crying. And then the most beautiful thing happened, there was a presentation in the next building, as soon as I had this realization and this moment between my future self and my inner child, everybody started to applause. It was like one of those moments where it was like, oh my gosh, this was it. [00:20:41] Cara: kind of back to that idea of thinking that. What I needed to process. I couldn't remember. I remembered those things. I just again, didn't think it was that big of a deal. And then it started coming up and realizing, oh, okay. And so I personally, believe me, walking my daughter through that also helped me [00:21:00] to be like, oh, this is what I needed. [00:21:02] Cara: And was like, oops, that happens, but how can we do better next time so that you don't have those nerves and you're not prepared for this presentation. [00:21:11] Tina: Yeah, absolutely. I, I'm just listening to your story. I was going to ask you like, if that had happened to you as a child, how would your parents have reacted? And you so beautifully explained that like when you were a child, oh, you're fine. you'll be fine. And that's our knee jerk reaction to our children is to try to make them feel better. [00:21:30] Tina: Because we don't want them to feel badly. We don't want them to struggle. But what we end up doing is teaching them to disconnect from their emotions and to not trust how they're feeling. And so what ends up happening is that they become adults and they don't trust their intuition. some, people can't even hear their intuition. [00:21:49] Tina: And so this whole process of, of healing and reconnecting with your inner child and figuring out those messages that you're carrying into your adulthood will allow your intuition to come to the [00:22:00] forefront so that you can trust yourself and how you're feeling, and make decisions based on what your body feels it needs. [00:22:07] Mom rage --- [00:22:07] Cara: Yeah, definitely. And kind of what I'm gonna bring up next is gonna segue into my next question, but you know, one of the things I do is I teach people about their human design. And so what it did for me was I felt very disc disconnected to my intuition, just my inner knowing. And I've been seeing it come up a lot with, just people who are successful and they're like, my parents taught me that like I know best. [00:22:34] Cara: And so being able to give ourselves that time or whatever we need to process. And how we make decisions and how we should take action. And so my human design gave me those stepping points to reconnect. I say it revived myself because I always had this sacral inner gut knowing. there was such a disconnect and so it's taken me years to kind of, it's like a relationship that's been ignored. [00:22:58] Cara: And so I've been nurturing it and [00:23:00] since I don't have any doubt when I make a decision that it's the right decision anymore. I'm not in my head thinking is this, is, should I do this? I've built those tools, Before I learned this, I had this inner rage inside of me because I was always living my life through other people's expectations. [00:23:22] Cara: And so when I started to connect with my inner self understanding how I operate, I feel like it did help dissipate that mom rage. But I know that's something that you work with. And I remember so deeply after I had my son, and there was a few things. One, I expected people to be in my head to say, how can I help you? [00:23:41] Cara: And whatnot. And it was also giving myself those things first. Like I was expecting people to do 'em for me. And I was like, oh wait, I need to nurture myself first. So first and foremost, like, give what you need and then it's gonna spill over to your kids. I feel like a lot of that mom rage is because [00:24:00] so many mothers were. [00:24:02] Cara: Told and modeled to selfishly give themselves for everyone around them that they're left depleted. And then when it comes time where they're so depleted that they don't have that support, that rage comes out. And I would love to know kind of your take of how, like how I healed a little bit of my mom rage and kind of how we can, if you have any suggestions on how other people can heal it too. [00:24:26] Tina: yeah. So you, you really hit the nail on the head there we have been taught. As women that when you become a mom, you become a martyr that you, put yourself on the back burner. Your needs don't matter because you are now a mom and everybody else's needs come ahead of yours. [00:24:42] Tina: And that really does contribute to that rage that builds inside of you. And really, there are external triggers. There are in internal triggers, you know, the external triggers are that moms are expected to wear all of the hats. when child gets sick at [00:25:00] school, the school calls mom, they never call dad. [00:25:01] Tina: that they are expected to be everything to everyone with very little support to themselves. They don't get any alone time. Right. Those are all external triggers. The internal triggers are the thoughts, the beliefs that you carry with you. In your motherhood that motherhood is supposed to look a certain way, that you are trying to live up to this certain ideal. [00:25:24] Tina: and all of that stems from what you saw as a child, what society is demanding of parents, what you see on social media, on Instagram, like on your feed of like these moms throwing these elaborate birthday parties and you feeling like you have to do that otherwise you're failing as a mom. All of that contributes to this anger, this feeling of isolation and feeling alone. [00:25:50] Tina: I have to say, when I first started my parenting journey, all of motherhood was a trigger. through the, the 10 years since I've become a parent, now have very. Clear, [00:26:00] like situations that will happen that will trigger this, this mom rage. [00:26:03] Tina: Sleep deprivation is a huge one for me. but bringing that awareness to what is going on for me in the moment, understanding my, the feelings in my body, the sensations, the tightness in my chest. as we build that awareness, we're able to say like, something's going on here. I need to, I need to turn inwards and pay attention to what's going on. [00:26:22] Tina: and then you're able to figure out what it is that you need. Figure out how to communicate that need to people around you. because you're right, people are not going to just read your mind and say like, oh, Kara needs a morning to where she gets to sleep in. You have to be able to say, Hmm, this is what's going on in my body. [00:26:42] Tina: This is how I'm feeling. This is what I need. How do I reach out to the supports around me so that I can get that thing that I need and I could show up better in my parenting? [00:26:52] Cara: Yeah, for sure. this isn't direct correlation with being a parent, but I had someone on my podcast where she was looking for [00:27:00] her partner she's like, what do I want in a partner? I want them to give me un devoted attention in the morning before we start our day. [00:27:07] Cara: And she was like, I'm not doing that myself, so how can I expect someone to come in and do that for me? And so it's also one of those things, oh wait, I need self-care. I need uninterrupted quiet time. And so I see so many moms overwhelmed, and I get it. It's really hard to break this cycle of like, they're overwhelmed in their life. [00:27:27] Cara: And then when they get those few minutes, they go on social media and it's like, that's right there. That's gonna overwhelm you more. You're gonna be looking at other people's. That's where the comparison comes in. You feel like you're not doing enough and it's like it's your highlight reel. [00:27:42] Cara: That's people's highlight reel. That's not what their normal everyday looks like. taking that time. don't get me wrong, I will do that too, but a lot of times I'll say like, before I do that, I need to sit in meditation. Before I do that, I need to do breath work. And a lot of the time it feels so good [00:28:00] that I'm focusing on myself fully. [00:28:02] Cara: Because when you're on social media, you are not paying at attention to yourself at all. There you, you're not because your body's probably screaming at you like, oh, I need to do this, I need to do that. it's maybe just saying like, okay. For me it's like that habit stacking, I'm allowed to go on social media once I do one of these five things, what do I feel in this moment? [00:28:22] Cara: finding how we can nourish ourselves. And if we can't do that, who do we need to ask? Because you know, like when, is there a time where someone's like, oh yeah, yeah, you know what? You take the afternoon, go take care of yourself. you know, I have moments like that now. my mom lives close and she's, I'm grateful that she'll watch the kids for me. [00:28:42] Cara: And I've felt guilty that I've gone paddleboarding instead of the traditional sense of working. But on that paddleboard trip, I. so much inspiration on what I could be doing in my business, it was still working for me. It just not, might not look like it's working for other people. And [00:29:00] so it's my job to take that guilt away. [00:29:02] Cara: And if my mom really has a problem with knowing that I'm going paddle boarding while she's walking, watching my kids, it's up to her to have that conversation with me to say like, what are you doing? I'm doing you a favor. And, and then it would take me being like, Hey, here, would you like to see my notebook? [00:29:16] Cara: This is a part of how I work. It might not look like the general idea of someone sitting at a computer, but that's just not how I operate. So it's again, living the life through other people's expectations of this is maybe what it looks like to be productive in one person's eye. And just honoring yourself. [00:29:34] Tina: Right. and so that brings up a another point that I work with a lot of my clients on, is that you are not responsible for other people's reactions to you. And so in that situation where if, if your mom is upset with you for going paddleboarding while she's watching the kids, instead of working like she thought you were going to be, it's not your responsibility to feel guilty for her reaction to you. [00:29:59] Tina: you had brought up [00:30:00] something, as you were speaking. single parents, single moms who I, work with,One of their biggest challenges is, well, I don't have anybody to ask for support. I don't live near my parents, or I'm estranged from my parents, and I am the sole provider for my children. [00:30:17] Tina: From the time that they wake up to the time that they go to sleep, really is no time for me. And so their biggest challenge is I is recognizing that, okay, my son is, you know, maybe you have a, a 10 year old and your son is taking a shower right now, and, and they're doing their thing. You're not in the bathroom with them. [00:30:36] Tina: What are you doing? Maybe you're washing dishes, maybe you're folding laundry. But in that moment, recognizing I have 10 minutes right now where I can sit. I don't need to worry about the dishes, I don't need to worry about the laundry. They're gonna be there. those are things are going to be there. [00:30:49] Tina: I'm not minimizing Those are things that need to be done. But maybe instead of picking up your phone and scrolling social media, because that is a reaction, that is a way for you to check out from your [00:31:00] body because you are feeling overwhelmed in that moment. Using things that are in your toolkit, using self self-care strategies that work for you. [00:31:07] Tina: You have 10 minutes, so here's this 10 minute thing that you can do. You could do the breath work, you can do movement. That's something that I encourage my clients. It doesn't, you don't have to go out for a run. You don't have to do a big long workout, but stand in your bedroom and do some squats. Shake out your body, roll, you know, do some, some head roll, some body stretches, cuz it just helps to move that energy through your body The more you do it, the more you want it, and the more that you're going to find ways to fit it into your very busy schedule. And so one of the biggest lies that I find women tell ourselves is, I don't have time. And if you really start to pay attention to those little pockets of time again, I'm not saying that folding laundry and doing dishes and, and packing lunches, that's not a waste of time. [00:31:51] Tina: But take five minutes, drop into your body, roll your shoulders back, un unclench your jaw. Take a few deep breaths, light a candle.[00:32:00] say a little prayer for yourself. Do some affirmation work that will make all the difference in how the rest of the day unfolds. [00:32:07] Cara: Thank you so much for bringing that up, because I see that a lot where people are like, I don't have the time. And it's like, well, yeah, you are making that excuse. I'm not in your shoes, so I can't really talk too much about that. what can you teach your children to do to take some of that load off of you? [00:32:23] Cara: Because if you're trying to be that, Martyr of like, I have all this to do. you might not have the adults to help you, but for example, I was kind of getting sick of having to pack for myself and my kids when we would go on a little trip. And so what I did, and my kids are four and seven and I made a checklist for them. [00:32:44] Cara: My son can't read yet. And so I put pictures and so I said, here's your checklist. Go pull all of this stuff out. Are their clothes gonna match? I don't care. it's teaching them to be self-sufficient when it comes time to going somewhere that they can do that. [00:32:58] Cara: And so what are some, [00:33:00] some things in your life that you can take that obligation that you have to do everything for everyone and take that away. I hear that and I see that so much, that excuse. And it's like, now more than ever, would a coach or someone be able to help you process to see those little pockets of time? [00:33:17] Cara: And that's it. Like I tell people, when you feel overwhelmed, take a drink of water and energetically feel that water go through your body when you're taking a shower, breathe when you're going to the bathroom, be like, get this negative energy out of my body. you can reset yourself in seconds if need be. [00:33:36] Cara: If you just see those pockets of that time. if you truly know in your body, like, I don't wanna live my life this way anymore, you have the power to change it, but you gotta have to stop making excuses of why you can't have it. know, finding the support to help you through those barriers. [00:33:53] Cara: For sure. [00:33:54] Tina: Yes. Absolutely. And I love what you're teaching your kids in that moment too. You're not, you're [00:34:00] not saying, I'm not taking care of you. You are teaching them a valuable life experience. And that's also not to say that you're not gonna like take a quick glance in their suitcase to make sure that they have everything, but you're teaching them that, number one, self responsibility. [00:34:13] Tina: Number two, that they're getting to make these decisions for themselves. and that's a big thing for kids, that they don't have any autonomy over their lives. We tell them when to wake up, when to go to sleep, what to eat, how to act. And when we give them those little nuggets of self responsibility, you're opening them up to a greater life experience. [00:34:33] Tina: And so I think that that's fabulous. That's a, a fabulous strategy and, I was a teacher for almost two decades. And so seeing, you know, one of the, big things that I see, especially with like middle school and high school kids is that parents, like, they want to control every single aspect of their child's life. [00:34:48] Tina: Where they're going to school, what sport they're playing, what friends they hang out with. that all comes from your own childhood experiences and how you were raised and what you either had as a child or didn't have as a child. And [00:35:00] the beliefs and the thoughts that you are carrying in inside of you that you are then spilling out onto your children, usually without any awareness. [00:35:09] Cara: Yeah, my therapist has brought that up cuz there's been a couple times where I've projected my own experience onto my kids and she's like, you know, like, don't give them that complex. And I'm like, you're right. Thank you for calling that out. But yeah, it is one of those things that I found growing up that I had a mom, but I had two sisters that were older than me and I always felt like I didn't ever have a say in my own. [00:35:33] Cara: What I was wearing, where we were going. Like it never. And so that is kind of where I am with my kids, where it's like, I don't care what you wear. If you look ridiculous I'll power to you. You know, I look back at some of my outfits that I probably did get to choose very rarely, and I'm just like, oh, what were you doing? [00:35:50] Cara: But there my, some of my favorite pictures. and if they want to say like, Will you help me? Of course I will. this was the first time I did the checklist and I was like, okay, let's make sure, let's go [00:36:00] down the list. not only important that you have the list, but it's also important to go through and check and make sure that you have everything. [00:36:06] Cara: So of course, like I'm gonna support them after. it's empowering them to know you you have the power to make these decisions and choose what you want. And I'm here if you need help deciding what that is. they liked it and it was exciting. They got to check it off and I was like, oh, maybe I need to like put this on Etsy. [00:36:24] Cara: I don't know, maybe people will like it by their little checklist. I laminated it so that it, it could be [00:36:29] Tina: With like a dry erase marker. Yeah. [00:36:31] Breaking the cycles of generational trauma --- [00:36:31] Cara: I would like to know if there's any other suggestions on Breaking the cycles of generational trauma and making parenting easier. [00:36:40] Tina: So one, I have a, framework that I use with my clients. and we don't work through it in order, but we kind of work through it naturally how things come up. And it's called the CAPABLE framework. And so the first part of the framework is,commitment. That's a c, commitment to your personal growth, [00:37:00] commitment to the changes that you want to make in your life. [00:37:03] Tina: like you had just said a couple minutes ago that if you are realizing like, this is not how I wanna be living my life, then you have to make that commitment to make the change cuz nobody's gonna change your life for you. and then the next step of that is the awareness because you can't change what you're not aware of. [00:37:19] Tina: Okay. You're not, you're unhappy with how things are going. You're unhappy with how you're showing up in your life, in your friendships, in your relationships, in, in your career. So what is going on for you? What messages are coming up? when are you triggered? When are you feeling overwhelmed and like you're not supported? [00:37:36] Tina: So bringing awareness to what's going on in the body before you could bring awareness to the triggers and the emotions and the messages that are underneath it. the PA and the B of the CAPABLE framework. That's a strategy that I teach right off the bat. It's pause, affirm, breathe. So once you realize that you have been triggered, that you are acting in a way that you don't want to be acting, you pause, you [00:38:00] have a, an affirmation that you say to yourself that will help you ground you in that moment. [00:38:04] Tina: And then you do some breath work. and I walk through, different. Breathing exercises depending on where you are. Are you feeling anxious? Are you feeling like you're floating all the way out here? What do you need in that moment? And then deciding the breath work that can help for you. [00:38:17] Tina: And then the last two letters are language and exploration. And the language piece is figuring out, number one, what you want to communicate. So what are your needs? What is going on for you if you are in a partnership? if you're in a two-parent household, if you're in a single parent household and you have, your parents supporting you or babysitter, what needs to be communicated to others, even to your children, if your children are old enough to understand the dynamics of what's happening in in the house, and the, how do we make repairs with those around us? [00:38:52] Tina: Because here's the thing, You're not gonna get it right 100% of the time. there's no welcome to your healed [00:39:00] self sign there will always be something that comes up, that catches you off guard that you weren't expecting. and so it's how do we, number one, repair with ourselves? [00:39:10] Tina: How do we extend that grace to ourselves, to recognize like, oh, so that thing happened and so now here's how I go back to those who were involved to say, I'm sorry for my reaction in this and this is what I'm working on and this is how I'd like to move forward. and then the last piece, the exploration is digging into your family history. [00:39:31] Tina: So in, all of my personal experience and in working with my clients, I realized that at some point in your healing journey, All of a sudden there's this like ball of resentment that's starting to build in your chest, a resentment for your caregivers, a resentment for the people around you. [00:39:47] Tina: And it's recognizing, number one, that you're feeling this resentment. And number two, looking at your caregivers childs. And so I discovered this with myself. I wrote a book,a couple years ago that's still sitting on my [00:40:00] desk waiting to be published. But as I wrote the book, I realized that I was holding onto a lot of anger and resentment towards my parents. [00:40:06] Tina: And I couldn't release the first version of this book because it basically read as a, I hate you. Look what you did to me. when I went back and read that book, I realized, okay, there's a lot of resentment here. I need to work with this. And I dove into my parents' childhood experiences and I realized that the things that happened in my own childhood were not because of me, it wasn't my responsibility. It wasn't because of who I was or how I was, and it also wasn't because my parents were trying to ruin my life. my parents were parenting from a place. Of comfort, a place of what they knew just as I was parenting from what I knew. and so as I dove into this family history of my parents and my grandparents, and even as far back as my great-grandparents, I realized the generational trauma that had been passed down over generations. [00:40:54] Tina: I realized why my family did and said, and acted the way that they [00:41:00] did. And it kind of gave me this ability to extend them, the grace, the understanding that, oh, I get this now. It doesn't excuse their behavior, it doesn't make what they did right. But it makes it easier for me to forgive them because they were doing the best that they could with the resources that they had. [00:41:17] Tina: And so I incorporated that into my framework because I think it's a really important piece to your healing. Otherwise you end up, like you're trying to heal yourself, but then you become pissed off at everybody else that came before you. And so,it kind of frees you from that feeling that can really, drag you down. [00:41:34] Tina: so that, the framework, that's what I use for with my clients. and it's been so powerful for myself and I've, used it with a bunch of women right now, and it's, it's been really wild to see how, those steps and those strategies within the framework really, move them along the healing journey and free them to build a life that they see for themselves. [00:41:54] Cara: Yeah, I've seen that a lot with people. Ultimately, when they decide to start healing, [00:42:00] how much resentment comes up for how they were treated as a child. And it's like, Yeah, you don't really know what someone's going through. And they were probably just trying to survive or they didn't know how to do it because they weren't taught how to do it. [00:42:13] Cara: And again, it's like looking at how many resources we have now to be able to help us, support us coaches, like so many things like that just wasn't feasible then. And there's a quick story that I wanted to mention. I saw this TikTok and it's a real, like a really popular guy. was talking about how he was in a coffee shop and there was a mom with her child who had some sort of special needs and. This child was, did not wanna be in the coffee shop. And the mom was just like, just let me get my coffee and get outta here. you feel for that. Like, oh, you know, you just, I need my coffee. I get that. Like, you just wanna get it. Well there was this man who was just getting irritated and aggravated that this child was acting out in public. [00:42:58] Cara: And [00:43:00] he, went up to the woman and said, if you don't shut your child up, I will. You obviously could see the rage in this woman. I wanna say he said something before that. So that was like his final straw to say, like, if you don't, and that's obviously crossing the line, and everybody in the coffee shop saw what was about to happen and they got the guy, they pretty much threw him out. [00:43:20] Cara: And I was like, I'm not excusing his behavior by any means. His reaction to that was terrible. I go, but it is clear that he grew up in a household where he was not allowed to express his emotions and that he saw a child being able to do it in a public place and not just through him off the rail. [00:43:38] Cara: And it's like, again, not excusing his behavior, but imagine him having that hurt as a child. I felt for the children in that video, the, the kid that was. Experiencing that firsthand and that man as a little boy who never felt safe enough to be able to talk about it. knowing that hurt people, hurt people, and we could be so [00:44:00] quick to judge on why someone did something, but it's like they were probably never given the tools to be able to heal whatever is triggering for them. [00:44:08] Cara: you know, I've seen people that like, when something like that happens, they automatically just give them love instead of a reaction. And it's hard because a lot of times we're like, whoa, what you're doing is not right. But [00:44:19] Tina: Mm-hmm. [00:44:19] Cara: it's like ultimately they probably need that the most. And maybe if they see that someone is just open giving them love, they might say, oh, maybe this is worth me healing or getting therapy and working through this. [00:44:32] Tina: Right. Yeah. oh, when you, when you tell that story, I just got, I got chills because I am very much the same way that when I see somebody losing their head in public, I immediately. Go to what was their childhood experience that led to this moment. again, it doesn't excuse their behavior. [00:44:48] Tina: It doesn't make what they're doing okay, but it helps you to extend that grace to their inner child, to their inner child that is so desperately wanting the connection and the love[00:45:00] that they didn't get. and that's part of,why I do the work that I do. as a teacher saw, you know, you have the, the bullying in, in the schools how kids treat one another. [00:45:10] Tina: it broke my heart because I could see the pain that the bully has, that I could see the pain. you know, with the gun violence that we have and the wars that are going on. Like, my initial reaction is always tell me the suspect's background. I wanna know about their childhood, I wanna know how they were raised. [00:45:29] Tina: And it, it doesn't excuse their behavior 100%. Like they hurt somebody. They have to pay the consequence for it. and it doesn't make it any easier for us on the other side as the, the victims. But the way that people experience their childhood and how it manifests in their actions as an adult there is a direct connection between the two. [00:45:50] Tina: And the more we're able to have grace for other people's inner childs and experiences, I think that the world would be a gentler, kinder, safer place [00:46:00] for everybody. [00:46:00] Cara: Yeah, for sure. I also think that's the stemming of Karen's, you know, Karen's who lose their mind in public is that they, one, don't know how to manage their own energy because they weren't given the opportunity to say, how do you feel? They were pressed down and they weren't allowed to express how they feel. [00:46:18] Cara: And then now they're in a place of like not having that self-awareness because they were never taught to be aware of themselves. And so they project this. You know, spew of making people feel poorly about themselves because they were never giving the affirmations that they wanted and needed as a child. [00:46:36] Cara: and the reason like that came forth was I was ultimately getting food and like I could feel the ener, the anger coming up inside of me and I was like, oh my gosh, I meditate. I have all this awareness and I'm having a hard time controlling this anger in public, right? Right Now, of course, someone that doesn't have those practices would just explode. [00:46:55] Cara: think if people were aware of just the idea of healing, [00:47:00] it's not a one-stop shop. It is an ever-evolving thing and there always be something coming up. But it's truly important, especially if you have kids, because do we wanna take this stuff and dump it on them or do we wanna show them a different way? [00:47:14] Cara: And we, we do have access to the tools and the support our parents before us didn't have. [00:47:19] Tina: Yeah. It's if you're not willing to do the work for yourself, you're just passing it off to the next generation to do. and so I think the greatest gift that you can give your kids is to work on your own healing. [00:47:29] Cara: Yeah, for sure. Now, before we end this, [00:47:32] Using human design as a parent --- [00:47:32] Cara: I just wanna give a few little minutes about your human design, because I truly believe that when you know your human design, it makes you a better parent. And you understand that you're built one way and that your kids and those people around you are also built another way. [00:47:47] Cara: You realize that the expectation to fit in a box kind of breaks through when you kind of see it in this way. So as a manifesting generator, you have a powerful design and most people can't keep up with your [00:48:00] productivity. You have a built-in gut response when you're connected to your body. it is knowing I am also a manifesting generator. [00:48:07] Cara: no other design is meant to keep up with us. And so when we have this idea of this expectation, especially it's not even that you expect others to live up to your standards, it's the fact that. we have those expectations on ourself. And so knowing that we aren't meant to do all the things all the time as women, cuz I also bring the whole idea of the cycle in and that there's certain times that you should really focus on that. [00:48:31] Cara: ultimately your job is you respond and then you wait for your moment of truth and then you do. So that's just the type. And the next thing is your not self theme. And what that is, is when you start to feel frustrated or angry, that is for you to take a step back and say, Ooh, okay, am I in alignment with my design? [00:48:53] Cara: Am I trying to force things? And so some questions to ask yourself. Are you trying to control [00:49:00] things? Are you trying to initiate. Are you in your head versus using your authority? And I'll talk about your authority in a minute. Are you afraid of failure? Are you afraid no one will ask you? Or that nothing will happen if you don't initiate? [00:49:15] Cara: So I think sometimes also is like, we gotta do all the things. We gotta do all the things, and sometimes we need to take a step back. with your inner authority, and this is how I truly believe, if people connect with their inner authority, it elevates their intuition. It connects them with that thing that they didn't know they had, and they're like, oh, okay, so your sacral is colored in. [00:49:38] Cara: So ultimately you should have a gut feeling. And if you don't, you just need to kind of sit and get reacquainted with it. It's like a yes or no, but because you have an emotional response, emotional inner authority. You have to let the wave of emotion pass through. So you have to wait until you're on the other side of the storm before you make a decision. [00:49:59] Cara: [00:50:00] So if someone is pressuring you to make a decision before you're ready, that's your job to communicate. Like, I need a little bit of time. It's hard finding that balance of your sacrals gonna give you the yes or no, but you need to wait and see how that feels with you. And so I think a lot of people with having the emotional, response is just like, oh yeah, how many times did I pre prematurely made a decision because you were excited or angry or frustrated? [00:50:28] Cara: And so knowing that, take some time it sounds like you have your own toolkit to be able to get that clarity. And so that's always what I tell people. Make sure you have that time to process. And then from there, Your strategy is to wait to respond. So I always use the coaching analogy. [00:50:45] Cara: Say you wanted to become a coach, your job is not to go find the program. Your job is to say, oh, I think I want a coach. And then say, you're scrolling on Instagram and there's a coach talking about their values and all these things, and you're like, [00:51:00] oh, this feels good. That's giving you something to respond to. [00:51:03] Cara: So I always say, with that sacral, or someone says, do you wanna go out to dinner? You're like, yes. And they're like, what do you want? [00:51:08] Cara: And you're like, I don't know. it's better to go, do you want pizza? Do you want Mexican? You know, do you want Chinese food? And like, having something to respond to. So ultimately wait for that thing to respond to. Envision what that may look like for you in meditation or whatever that is. Tap into your authority and then take action. [00:51:27] Cara: And then the last little piece and it seems like you're kind of living it, with your incarnation cross. You and I are both right angle, and your destiny is to figure out about yourself. And you do not need to interact with certain people to live out your destiny. It does not mean that those interactions aren't important to you, but it's truly finding out how you survive and do best in this life. [00:51:50] Cara: And then, go from there. you're here to discover what it is to be you and how you can thrive. And so for me it was like, oh, I felt really selfish at one point in my life [00:52:00] because it felt real to me. And then knowing that is my purpose. Some people are meant to have these interactions with other people. [00:52:06] Cara: And then your profile is that you're the influential role model. So you have a need for expansion and wanting to share your knowledge, and then you role model it and it seems exactly what you're doing in your thing. So most people that are self-aware and are kind of in this space are already living pieces of their human design. [00:52:26] Cara: I just say it's always a great point to kind of say, am I aligned with it? Am I feeling out of alignment? Can I look at, am I using my inner authority and am I using my strategy? Right? So how does that feel, kind of breaking that down for you. [00:52:40] Tina: I love human design. I knew that was part of my human design. I just didn't know what it meant. and as you said it, I was like, oh, wow. That is so true. and so I also love the human design. the birth charts, like all of the things that are gonna help me to deepen my understanding about myself,because it, it also [00:53:00] helps me to. [00:53:00] Tina: To validate my own experiences instead of like, well, I really wish I wasn't this person. Like when I learned that I was a manifesting generator who like has interest in all of these things, I always thought that I was just scattered and all over the place. And then when I learned that, I was like, oh no, this is just who I am. [00:53:16] Tina: so it just validates your existence. And so I encourage everybody just read about what's there, because it's just wild how much you can learn about yourself. [00:53:24] Cara: for sure. Yeah. I think the validating part was for me was like, oh, oh, this is me. Why am I trying to be something else? I'm gonna lean, lean into what feels good. So, because I've been told [00:53:34] Tina: Mm-hmm. [00:53:34] Cara: is how things are supposed to be this way. I say, if anybody's ever on a healing journey, I think the first thing that you need to do is understand how you operate as a person so that when you pour yourself into making these decisions, is this coach right for me? [00:53:50] Cara: Use your inner authority. How should I go towards my goals? Use your strategy, and then that really can help implement these things and get you in alignment [00:54:00] with the right people, places, and the resources to really help you specifically as a person, because we're all so different in what we need in this journey. [00:54:08] Tina: Absolutely. Absolutely. [00:54:10] Cara: can you tell listeners how to find you and what your offerings are? [00:54:14] Tina: Sure. so I mostly hang out on Instagram and so my handle is healing Parent coach. I also have a website, healing parent.com. And so right now I have two freebies. one of them is, 10 signs that Your Inner Child Needs healing and what to do about it. And so listeners can find that at healingparent.com/innerchild. [00:54:39] Tina: if the Mom Rage piece spoke to you in, in our discussion today, I have a free Mom Rage masterclass that is available right on the homepage of the, of my website, healing parent.com. And it's a 30 minute, free masterclass that talks about what mom rage is the internal and external triggers, and then gives [00:55:00] strategies for how to process it and how to, let it move through your body so that it's not spilling out onto your children. [00:55:07] Cara: Yeah. Well that's beautiful. I'll make sure all those links are in the show notes and I just appreciate you coming on here. thanks for coming. [00:55:14] Tina: Thank you so much for having me, cara. I really appreciate it. This is a great [00:55:17] Tina: conversation. [00:55:18] Cara: perfect. We'll chat soon. [00:55:19] Cara: Thank you so much for joining me this week. If this was your first time. Welcome. And if you've joined me for previous episodes, thank you so much for coming back. Before you go, could you share my show with a friend or subscribe? If you haven't yet? Those few seconds make a huge impact on my shell. And I would be grateful for the support. [00:55:36] Cara: I absolutely love this interview with Tina. I feel like everyone could benefit with working with our inner child so that they can work through these blocks and really step into their power. I feel like as a parent, it's really important for you to work through. Any issues you have with your inner child. And she brings so much guidance and awareness to it. If you want to find out how to connect with her, check the show notes and all the links [00:56:00] mentioned. [00:56:00] Cara: We'll be at caradempsey.com/72. Thank you so much for being here and we'll chat soon.